You may notice that we open on the night of "Tag" and Ezra's disastrous hookup in the first chapter of MAYBE THIS TIME (Belonging #2). I wanted to show what happened that night from James's point of view so that I could explore his head space in those moments. The book also has some overlap with events in MTT, as well as STAND BY YOU, so look for some familiar faces.
GETTING IT RIGHT releases March 16, 2015!
Chapter One
Never said I’d let you fuck me… Get off… Let go!
Ezra's
words chased themselves around James Taggert’s mind as he stalked down the
sidewalk, away from Pot O Gold, desperate to stuff his hands into his too-tight
jeans pockets to keep them from trembling. Never in his life had he acted like
such a selfish asshole and allowed a situation to get that out of control. He
stopped a few blocks from the bar he’d abandoned and leaned against the cool
bricks of a closed Mexican grocery store. He needed to apologize to Ezra, but
he was too embarrassed and too drunk to make it as genuine as Ezra deserved.
His
phone was at his ear, the other end buzzing.
“Jay?”
Nathan Wolf’s voice was a balm to his frazzled nerves. “What’s wrong? It’s
after midnight.”
“Price
is getting out.”
“Shit,
when did you find out? Where are you?”
Having
a best friend who knew all of his sordid backstory made times like this so much
easier. “This afternoon. I’m outside the Pot. I’m fucked up, Nate, and I did
something. Something bad.”
“Stay
put. I can be there in under ten.”
The
phone call ended, but the calm of talking to Nathan was taking some of the edge
off of his panic. He tapped a cigarette out of the crumpled pack in his back
pocket. Thumbed the lighter. He took a long drag, letting the smoke fill his
lungs to choking before releasing it hard through his nose. The stinging helped
sober him up a bit more. He stared at the smoldering end of one of his worst
habits.
I really need to quit. Again.
He’d
quit five times in the last ten years, but kicking a habit he’d picked up at
fourteen was hard. And not even a serious consideration when the cigarette in
his hand was the only thing keeping him from pacing like a luncatic while he
waited for Nathan. He shouldn't have come out tonight at all, not after the
news he'd gotten, but what else was he supposed to do when he found out Stephen
Price had made parole? Sit home and stew until the anger made him crazy? He’d
dressed up, splashed on his best cologne, and come down to his favorite
watering hole for peach mojitos and cock. Irish pub by day and popular gay bar
by night, Pot O Gold was his preferred destination for both.
He had
walked in, ordered his first drink from Riley, one of his favorite bartenders,
and then perused the pickings. A lot of familiar faces. A lot of guys he’d
already fucked. He didn’t have a rule about fucking someone only once, but too
many repeat performances and some guys got a little clingy. He wanted sex, not
a relationship.
Ezra
Kelley had caught his attention immediately. He’d seen Ezra around the Pot on
and off for the last year or so, sometimes alone and sometimes with other
people. Bar chatter said Ezra was a good fuck. James had taken in the tall,
lean body, the spiky blond hair and silver stud in his eyebrow. Even the purple
sleeveless top that matched the strange purple contact lenses had turned him
on. Perhaps because Ezra was the exact physical opposite of what James really
wanted and could never have.
He had
claimed Ezra quickly. Dancing with him, drinks in hands, practically fucking
with their clothes on. James downed more mojitos than he usually allowed
himself, because the rum brought numbness. Numbness from the pain of today’s
news, the pain of old loss, and the violence churning inside of him, aimed
directly at Stephen Fucking Price and everything he’d taken from James’s
family.
Alcohol,
adrenaline, and Ezra’s wood had made James temporarily lose his mind. They’d
walked into the bathroom stall together. That had definitely been mutual. And
Ezra hadn’t minded that blow job one bit until James had put Ezra against the
wall and pulled the guy’s pants down to fuck him. He’d been too damned drunk to
see the surprise in Ezra’s eyes, or hear the real fear in his voice. And then
James had been an asshole, trying argue with him about what they were going to
do. Accidentally scaring Ezra into barfing up all of his night’s drinks.
And
like a fucking coward, James had fled. Fled down the sidewalk to this spot to
wallow in his shame and try to keep the acid in his stomach from erupting.
He
dragged on the cigarette, watching the tip flare orange. The whole world still
listed a bit to one side. He’d moved all of his morning appointments to the
afternoon, clearing his schedule until noon, but drinking himself into a
hangover on a weekday was idiotic.
Then
again, how often did he find out that the bastard who molested his sister when
she was thirteen was being paroled? None of his psychology textbooks had given
him an answer for how to react to that kind of news, so he’d done exactly what
he always advised his patients not to do—mask the pain. His mask of choice was
alcohol and sex.
Except
he’d overdone it on the alcohol, and he’d hurt Ezra in the process.
I am a douchebag.
He
smoked his way through two more cigarettes before Nathan’s beat-up Ram pickup
pulled alongside the curb. For a city cop, he was still adorably country.
Nathan leaned across the console to shove open the passenger side door, and
James gratefully slid inside. The simple, familiar presence of Nathan nearby made
James’s nerves unfurl a little bit more. Nathan was the one thing in James’s
life that had always made sense. Always been easy.
Weariness
settled into his bones, turning his drunken daze into extreme fatigue. He
wanted to pass out and soon.
Nathan
shoved a bottle of water at him, then eased the truck back into the street. He
cracked both of the front windows, probably because James reeked of smoke.
Nathan had never been shy about telling him how gross his habit was. Nathan was
also smart enough not to engage in conversation until they were shuffling up
the short sidewalk to Nathan’s half of a two-story duplex. Nathan slung an arm
around James’s waist, and the heat of the other man’s body so close felt
amazing. Real. Not like the fake closeness of dancing with strangers in a
crowded bar.
He
finally got a good look at his friend as Nathan crossed the narrow living room
to the kitchen in the rear. Flannel pajama pants and a spring coat. James had
woken him up.
Yeah, I’m a douchebag.
“You
hungry?” Nathan shouted from the kitchen.
“No.”
In the familiar, somewhat cluttered warmth of Nathan’s home, he had a safe
place to wallow in the shame still burning in his gut.
Nathan’s
place was the definition of a straight bachelor’s pad—which worked since Nathan
was a straight bachelor. Dark leather furniture right out of a magazine’s page,
decorated exactly the same because he couldn’t be bothered. A monster,
sixty-inch flat screen mounted on the wall over an entertainment console
boasted two gaming systems, alongside a BluRay player and hundreds of movies.
Only a handful of photos hung on the wall, mostly of his rather large extended
family that lived in southern Delaware.
James
paused to stare at a familiar photo of himself with Nathan, taken right after
Nathan had graduated from the police academy. They were both grinning, arms
slung around each others’ shoulder. Nathan so handsome in his uniform, James in
a gray suit that hadn’t been stylish in a decade. Because that’s how long it
had been. Nathan had made detective last year, so he didn’t wear his uniform
anymore. James sort of missed it.
Nathan
came back into the living room sans coat, a white wifebeater showing off his
muscled arms and flat stomach. He was one-eighth Nanticoke Indian on his
mother’s side, which gave his skin a lovely golden hue. His short hair was
shiny black, and was always soft on the rare occasion James had a reason to touch
it. Dark brown eyes that often seemed to be smiling at him, even when things were
serious, like right now.
He was
carrying a bamboo tray loaded down with two shot glasses, a bottle of Kentucky bourbon, and a bag of barbecue potato chips. He settled the tray on his magazine-covered coffee
table, then poured them each a shot.
James
sank onto the couch next to Nathan and accepted the glass. After a silent
toast, he threw it back. The harsh, smoky liquid burned its way into his
stomach.
Nathan
refilled both glasses. “Does your mom know?”
“She’s
the one who told me.” Grace had been sobbing when he answered his cell, and it
took more than five minutes for him to understand what she’d been babbling. “The bastard is getting out.” The
statement had punched him in the balls and tipped his world upside down.
“How
is she?”
“Took
it like a champ.”
“Liar.”
James
downed the second shot, thankful for the burn. “She was a mess. I stopped by to
bring her dinner, because she doesn’t feed herself when she gets depressed. She
wouldn’t get out of bed. She still fucking blames herself for what happened to
Laurie, and it’s been almost twenty years.”
“And
you don’t?” Nathan shot him a pointed look before knocking back his second
drink. He poured them both a third.
“I was
her big brother.” James picked up the shot glass, mesmerized by the amber
liquid. His mind was soft again, a gentle fuzziness very different from
earlier. The fuzz wrapped around him like silk, coddling him, relaxing his tongue
because this was Nathan, and Nathan was safe.
Nathan is everything. “I didn’t protect
Laurie.”
“Yes,
Jay, you did. You stopped Stephen that day. You stopped it from happening
again.”
His
eyes burned. “Shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Fucking piece of
shit.” Third shot down the hatch. A fourth sounded nice, but his hands were
shaking and he’d already fucked up once tonight because he’d drank too much.
Nathan
pried the shot glass out of his hand, then angled his body toward him and put a
warm hand on his knee. “The only person to blame for what Price did to your
sister is Price. He pretended to love your mother. He pretended to be a friend
to you and Laurie. He violated your trust because he’s a sick fucking pervert
who deserves to rot for touching her.”
“I
wish I’d killed him.”
“Don’t
say that.”
“I
could have. A quarter-inch to the left, and I’d have killed him. The doctor
said so.” James flinched away from the memories bombarding his liquor pickled
brain. Coming home from tenth grade early because it was a half-day. Stephen’s
car in the driveway when he should be at work. Laurie had stayed home with a
sick stomach, so he went to check on her right away, only to find Stephen in
her room. In her bed. On top of her.
A
harsh noise tore from his throat, leaving it raw. His eyes stung, and he
blinked against furious tears. “After I left Mom’s place, I headed home and got
dressed up for the Pot. I wanted to dance and to get laid, and I thought if I
could channel my emotions into that, then it wouldn’t hurt so much.” He sounded
hoarse, like he’d gargled sand.
“What
happened at the Pot?”
“I
targeted my guy, danced, and drank way more than I should have.” Shouldn’t have been drinking at all. “I
practically dragged him into a bathroom stall.” Douchebag. “Sucked him off. After, I wanted to fuck.”
James’s
throat hurt as though the words themselves were laced with razor wire. “I
shoved him against the wall. He started protesting, and I was too drunk to
really hear him at first. Then he freaked and said no and I finally heard him. I stopped, but fucking Christ, Nate.”
The
hand on his knee squeezed. “You stopped.”
He
never had to explain things to Nathan because Nathan always got it. And he never got weird when
James talked about sex or other non-straight-guy things, because that was
Nathan. “What if I hadn’t? I was so close to doing it. So fucking out of my
mind I almost—”
“You.
Stopped. You didn’t do anything irreversible. You definitely owe him one major
apology, but you didn’t have sex with him against his will.”
Nathan’s
hand flew from his knee to his cheek. “You did not become Price tonight, you
hear me? You’re still you, Jay. You’re you.”
James
shuddered. Arms wrapped around him, pulling him forward, and James went. He
pressed his forehead against the hard line of Nathan’s collarbone and wept.
Harsh, angry sobs that shook his entire body. Nathan held him together, hands
rubbing his back, touching his hair, whispering comforting words that made no
actual sense. James clung to his best friend, needing the comfort. Needing the
familiar body and heat and scent of Irish Spring soap.
“I’ve
got you,” Nathan whispered.
“Please.”
James didn’t know what he was asking for. The bourbon was making his brain
soft, his actions slow. Instincts were taking over, urging him to find the
comfort he’d sought out earlier. The logical side of his mushy brain was trying
to argue that this was Nathan.
His
very straight best friend Nathan, whose hand pressed against the back of
James’s neck. A thumb stroked firm circles against the skin, over the bumps of
his spine. Tense muscles relaxed, allowing blood to flow more freely, and a
flash of arousal warmed his gut.
Something
prickled up James’s spine, and he gasped. He’d been attracted to Nathan for
years, ever since their junior year in college when they’d played Truth or Dare
at a party, and Nathan had been dared to kiss James for a full minute.
The
dare had been a joke perpetrated by Nathan’s then-girlfriend Paula, who’d
insisted it would be hot seeing her boyfriend kissing his gay best friend. She'd
then whispered something into Nathan's ear which, he’d told James later, had
been a promise of oral sex later that night. Maybe the whole thing had been
about getting laid for Nathan, but the kiss had meant so much more to James.
He’d wanted Nathan badly afterward, so naturally he’d gone out and fucked the
first willing guy he could find. He’d still gone home with the taste of
Nathan’s lips lingering in his mouth.
Nathan’s
other hand drifted from his back to his waist, then up again, as if it wasn't
certain where to linger. James straightened enough to see Nathan’s face. To see
the concern and confusion in his coffee-colored eyes. Nathan licked his lips,
probably without meaning to, and James’s pulse raced.
This isn’t real. He’ll do anything for you,
because you’ll do anything for him, so don’t take advantage, you giant douche.
He
told his conscience to take a flying fuck, and he did the exact wrong thing. He
pressed his lips lightly against Nathan’s and stopped. Waited. Instead of
pulling away, Nathan held steady, just like he had in college. Except no one
had dared him this time, and they were alone. Nothing to prove to anyone.
Adrenaline
and arousal zinged through James, wrapped up in the fog of alcohol, demanding
he take this further. Turn it into a real kiss before his chance was gone.
Just one real kiss.
James
closed his eyes and slanted his head for a better angle. Nathan moved, warm
lips whispering against his. Reacting to the most natural act on earth. James
parted his lips and gently flicked his tongue against Nathan’s mouth. He caught
the faint flavor of bourbon and chips, and something behind that. Something all
Nathan. His gut tightened with want. He clutched the back of Nathan’s thin
shirt, part of him wishing they were naked in a bed somewhere so he could taste
every inch of Nathan. Lick him until he was moaning with desire. Swallow his
cock down. Suck him. Make him come so hard he’d never want another lover.
Nathan
gasped into his mouth as if he’d heard all of James’s plans. He clutched
James’s hip, then let go, uncertain. James fumbled for Nathan’s hand and gave
it a firm squeeze before putting it back on his hip, liking it there. James
slid his right hand down over soft flannel to grab Nathan’s ass. Nathan groaned
and jerked, his free hand threading into James’s hair—to pull him off or keep
him there, it didn’t matter, because Nathan tasted so good and James didn’t
want it to end.
Except
Nathan ripped away from him, his cheeks flushed and his lips wet. He pressed a
palm to James’s chest.
“You’re
drunk, Jay,” Nathan said. “You’re drunk and you’re hurting, and this isn’t what
you want.”
“I
don’t?” He was pretty sure he did, but only if Nathan wanted it, too, and he
didn’t look like he did anymore.
“No,
you don’t. You can’t.”
“But
you feel so good, Nate. Taste good, too, and not just like bourbon.”
Nathan
lifted a hand toward his face, and James leaned into the touch that never came
because Nathan dropped his hand. “I think you need to go to bed and sleep this
off.”
“Bed
sounds good.” He reached for Nathan again, all spaghetti arms and
determination, and he got a solid face-plant on the sofa. Being horizontal
started shutting down some of his higher brain function, because he suddenly
couldn’t quite recall why he was on the couch and not in a bed.
“Roll
over.”
“Woof.”
“Jesus,
you’re wasted.”
“I
know you are but what am I.”
“For
fuck’s sake.”
Arms
rolled James onto his back. He reached for the shape looming over him, only to
get the corner of a blanket in his mouth. Flat on his back felt nice. Swimmy.
Everything all swirly and floaty.
“Nothing
happened with us tonight, Jay,” Nathan said. “It was all a really nice dream.”
James
tried to protest, but the light went off and Nathan was gone. He was alone
again, on the one night when he didn’t want to sleep alone.
Moonlight
glinted off the bottle of amber liquid left behind on the coffee table. His
sister’s cries filled the too-quiet room.
Just one more shot…
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